Flourish

this is all just me guessing things about myself, i'm not sure how much is true..

i think i've been treating my relationships/lack thereof like a game of keep-away. i just like the chase, but i lose interest soo quickly. i approach guys with the attention span of a three-year-old. i've got flirting down to an art, i think i do it without even meaning to. just because i like the reaction. i'll hold eye contact a bit longer than usual, laugh a lot, do the subtle touches and bullshit like that. if they start to get too aggressive, i back off. because once i realize they are, in fact, interested, i move on to someone else. which is such a shitty thing to do. no lie, i hate myself when that happens and i really do feel bad, but i can't help it. it's the 'how-close-can-i-get-without-touching-game' you could call it. it's such a mindfuck, no wonder guys don't understand girls.

on the other hand, when i actually am interested in someone beyond this stupid flirting game, it seems like they're only in it to get laid. which, by the way, i do not/have never/will never go for. i may be a tease, but i'm not a whore.

i think this is weird: if i like a guy, i don't mind if he flirts with other girls. not obscenely touchy-feely, but harmless flirting. it's cute to watch, and they're obviously not disgustingly clingy. so..i know i'm asking a lot, but i want someone who is a flirt, because come on..flirting is fun. but then i also want them in it for more than just sex. an 'open relationship', maybe that's the right phrase (thank you, facebook). but i'm starting to question whether that guy even exists. but fortunately for me, i'm not willing to compromise. if i never find one, oh well..i tried.

honestly, i think it comes from the fact that i just don't trust guys. i can't say i've ever really been 'heartbroken', since i've never actually been 'in love'. but in the past, i've gotten too close (or what i consider too close) to guys who just don't give a shit, and it doesn't feel too great. and i'm sure most people have been there. so i'm not trying to inspire sympathy, and i'm not trying to turn this into platform to meet guys. i'm just saying, i'm trying to figure out what my problem is, or if it even is my problem.

what it comes down to: i'm worried i'm the only one who acts like that. because i don't think it's a good thing.